I’m a dreamer but also a realist. Yeah, I’m sure you can just imagine how well those two traits do when paired together. Spoiler alert – the outcome isn’t very good. The dreamer in me has these grand plans and big ideas but the realist storms in and shuts those dreams down because they seem like unattainable goals. Can any of you relate?
As much as I preach about living a positive life, I’ll be the first to admit that I constantly doubt myself and my decisions. I suppose it all comes down to the fear of failure. Now more than ever, I have a huge responsibility to raise my daughter with my husband and to create a good life for her. That’s a lot of pressure! Raising a human is no easy feat and I’m sure we can all agree with that. But now that I am a Mom, I feel selfish for wanting to accomplish my goals not knowing if I will succeed. My daughter is my number one priority and if I chase after my dreams and fail, it could effect my family and that’s a scary thought. A risk taker, I am not.
In an attempt to live a more positive life, I find myself constantly searching for the right answers. I look to others for validation and essentially suck at making decisions for myself. To be honest, I feel like I was never really given that sort of opportunity in life. My parents were always terrific and gave me everything I needed in life to succeed and while I’m so grateful and love my parents endlessly, I never veered off the path they had created for me in fear of disappointing them by failing. Failing has always been by biggest set back because the consequences scare me and seem like a deep dark hole I’ll never escape from. Now that I’m a parent, these consequences don’t just effect me, but effect my family too. I think that is the scariest part of all. You know that saying, “You only live once, so live your life to it’s fullest”? Well now I fear that I’m not living my fullest life. They say to practice what you preach and I would love to say that I feel empowered and am living my truth, and there are moments where I truly feel like I am. But there are also times where I often feel so overwhelmed by my own dreams that I wonder how I could possibly live my life to it’s fullest if I don’t chase them.
Being a parent is a beautiful but weird thing. It changes your life in every way imaginable and can sometimes cause a lot of self doubt. Am I giving her enough attention? Should I go in and nurse her or let her cry it out? Am I loving her enough? What will happen that one time I don’t feed her organic? When is she going to stop looking at me so lovingly? Will she hate me when she’s a teenager? What can I do to make her love me forever? Will she ever understand how much I love her? These thoughts can consume you and you’ll suddenly find yourself fearing the most ridiculous of things. And while you fear, you also dream. At least that’s how it is for me. My fears make my dreams stronger yet push them further away. It’s an awful feeling to think that you’re not doing the things you want to do because you’re afraid of failing. When I think about my daughter, I never want her to feel like she can’t reach her goals but also don’t want to see her disappointed… which is then how I relate to my parents. So what do you do? Do you go for it and reap the rewards or suffer the consequences or do you hold back from it all and continue on the same safe path?
I’m a dreamer, but I’m also a realist and the two put together make for one very confused person. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach my goals and I don’t know how or when I’ll even get there in the first place – but I do know that if I don’t try I’ll still be here dreaming away. You can’t win the lottery if you don’t play, right?